5 Things to do When You Discover An Affair

Well, shit. I am sorry you have to go through this. Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can turn your world upside down. I went through an affair in my marriage, and I know that sick feeling that persists in the early stages after discovery. You want answers. What's going to happen? Will we make it? What will life be like without the other person? And what about the kids? It's a situation that can leave you feeling violated, betrayed, scared, lost, angry, alone, and spinning, but there are steps you can take to regain your footing. Here are five things to help you regain control after discovering the affair:

1. Establish your crisis community.

Things are going to be rocky for a while. Whether you decide to stay or leave, it is essential to have a support system in place. Start by confiding in a few trusted friends and family members about what's happening. Ask them if they can help with school pick-up, last-minute childcare, and maybe even overnights for you and the kids if things get heated at home. This helps in two ways: 

• It pulls the situation into the light. I know that being vulnerable is the last thing you want to do right now, but the truth is the truth, and there is no hiding from it or changing it. You’ve experienced this, and it is going to impact the trajectory of your life. All things come out eventually, and it might as well be now when you really need help. Suffering in silence makes it difficult to make decisions about the future and is dangerous for your mental health. 

• You need support. There is no quick fix for processing an affair. Unexpected situations may trigger you without warning. There will be days when all you want to do is cry. That is normal, and you need to cry. You'll also have days when it's hard to eat or when you only want to eat ice cream and ruffles. That's ok, too. You also need quiet space to think, and it will be much easier to work through the tough stuff when you know the kids are being fed and cared for by someone you trust. 

2. Create daily rituals.

Don't poo-poo this one. Right now, you may feel lost. The ground beneath you is gone, the memories behind you have lost their meaning, and the future you have been building has either disappeared or become uncertain. When you are spinning like this, it can feel impossible to figure out the next step, and "creating rituals" sounds like a luxury you don't have right now. I get it. But when your world is shattered, you need to create a solid foundation from which to start rebuilding.

New daily routines will establish a new normal, bringing comfort and stability. Start with something as simple as 5 minutes of affirmations or motivations before getting out of bed. (I used, "When through hell, keep going.”) Then build on that with something that gets you out of your head and into your body, like taking a walk during lunch, doing 5 minutes of yoga before bed, or setting aside time to breathe and check in with yourself during the day. Once you have two down, round it out with something you really enjoy, like meditation, baths, tea time, or whatever else feels good. You will benefit most from this practice if you commit to a daily routine that includes a morning, afternoon, and evening ritual. Do it whether you're tired, crying, angry, overwhelmed, or mad. Don't think about it. Just do it. You'll be surprised by how much just 15 minutes a day of "normalcy" can help restore your footing.

3. Prepare for the worst.

While it's important to remain hopeful, it's also wise to prepare for the possibility that your relationship will not survive this crisis. And that's ok. You will recover from this. Start thinking about what your life would look like if you were to split up. Consider your financial situation, housing options, employment options, and potential custody arrangements if you have children. Make copies of your essential documents like paystubs, tax returns, investment statements, credit card statements, mortgage documents, etc., and keep them in a safe place. If you aren't already, look at the household's monthly income and spending habits and start thinking about how both people would make ends meet in a divorce. 

4. Visualize Plan B.

Along with preparing for the worst, it's helpful to start envisioning a future without your partner. What would you change about your life if the decisions were up to you? What goals would you pursue? What would it take to get back to a happy place? Visualizing your future as free and joyful can help you feel more in control of your situation and allow you to make healthier decisions. Working with a divorce coach can help you identify your goals and develop strategies for achieving them. If approached with the right mindset, it is possible to end up happier, healthier, and more financially secure after your divorce. 

5. Gather a team of experts.

Be bold and seek professional help. Spending money on a lawyer, financial advisor, coach, or therapist can be scary, but it is well worth the investment. These experts can actually help you save money in the long run by providing the guidance and support you need to ensure you land on your feet. Even if you are not ready to proceed with divorce now, consulting with a team of experts while you are figuring things out will provide valuable insight into your rights and interests so you can make informed decisions in the relationship. It will also be helpful to have relationships with the right people so that if things go sideways, you know who to call and what steps to take next. 

Wrap Up:

You probably don't want to hear this right now, but unfortunately, getting through an affair takes time. It is painful, and everyone's outcome is different. Only you can decide if it is best to stay, take a break, or call it quits. Be patient with yourself, and focus on caring for your mental and emotional health. With time and support, you can move forward and create a life you enjoy. I know everything feels dark and miserable right now, but the sun will come up again, I promise. We are here to help when you are ready.

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