The Unexpected Benefits of a Parallel Parenting Plan for High-Conflict Cases
This blog post does not address situations where abuse and substance use are a concern. Those issues are significant and will be addressed separately.
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If you are early in the divorce process, you may be feeling a building sense of dread over the entry of a final parenting plan.
That is normal, and it is especially true in situations where one parent has a high-conflict personality. For many of us, the thought of signing away our children to spend a significant portion of their childhood without us is our worst nightmare, even if (or sometimes especially if) the person they'll be with is their other parent. The brutal reality is that parenting plans are a necessary outcome of a divorce. The good news is that parenting plans can be structured to reduce interaction between the parents, thereby reducing conflict and hopefully improving the lives of everyone involved. One such model, the Parallel Parenting Plan, has a few unexpected benefits worth considering.
High-conflict parents leverage communication to control and manipulate the other parent, especially after a divorce when they struggle to remain relevant in the other person's life.
It’s maddening but true. Given this reality, it stands to reason that the fewer touch points required in a parenting plan, the better. A parallel parenting plan limits each parent's input or control over the other parent's household while preserving the major parenting decisions (like surgery or issues at school) for joint input. This might seem unintuitive or undesirable at first, especially if you have always been in the position to protect the children from the high-conflict parent. But stick with me for a minute, there are a few significant benefits worth considering.
One significant benefit of a parallel parenting plan is that parents are free to make decisions about their child's daily life, such as what they eat or their daily routine, while the children are at their home.
This means your high-conflict ex can't start an Our Family Wizard argument over wake-up times and snack choices. So if your ex has a Sunday church routine and your household has a Sunday pancakes-in-pajamas-until-noon routine, you each can do that without explaining yourself to the other parent or changing your household to match theirs. If your initial response is, "Yeah, but s/he keeps the kids up too late [or fill in the blank], and I want it to be the same in both households," remember that a high-conflict person is going to do whatever they want, regardless of what the parenting plan says. At least in this scenario, you can keep them out of commanding influence over your household.
Another benefit of a parallel parenting plan is that it helps the children with transitions.
Sound unrealistic? When parents are free to set the rules and norms in their own household, children learn to adapt and become more self-sufficient. They know the rules and boundaries in each home and they aren’t worried about “hidden” rules. I can hear you saying, "Yeah, but my high-conflict ex yells at the kids [or fill in the blank], and I'm not ok with that." I get it. And you can (and should) attempt to address those concerns through the divorce process separately, but the reality is that a parenting plan can't make someone be a different person. If your ex is strict, they will likely continue to be stern with the children, regardless of the type of parenting plan you have. At least in a parallel parenting plan, you can keep their drama out of your space. You can create a sanctuary where the kids can decompress. You can teach them how to create a safe space by having a detox ritual (that's a whole other post on its own) and working on coping skills. As the children grow, this will help them develop essential life skills like recognizing the difference between healthy and unhealthy behavior, communicating their feelings, and coping with stress in a healthy way.
Finally, a parallel parenting plan can also benefit your mental health. It's like the old airline safety lecture about putting your oxygen mask on so you can help others around you.
I know, I know. We all hate that part of the lecture because it feels unnatural as a parent. But just like a long overseas flight, going through a high-conflict divorce takes a while and is likely to be a little turbulent. The reality is that most courts do not grant full custody absent serious, documented, sustained abuse and even then it can be tragically difficult to set appropriate boundaries. This means that it is likely your case will have a parenting plan and everyone will need to adapt. If you don’t have a high-conflict ex, this can be good for everyone. If you do have a high-conflict ex, a parallel parenting plan means that you should hear little from them when they have the kid(s). As hard as it is to think about it this way, try to use this time for rest, recovery, and rebuilding. If the kid(s) have difficult visits with the other parent, their time with you will likely be intense. You need to be on your game, but it will be much easier if you take care of yourself in the spaces between your residential time.
In sum…
There is a lot more to parallel parenting plans than we can address in a little blog post. But- if this article has intrigued you, I encourage you to check out The Parallel Parenting Solution by Carl Knickerbocker, JD. It is a quick and easy ready that takes a deep dive into the benefits of a parallel parenting plan for high-conflict divorce. If you take nothing else away from this post, I hope you have at least discovered that parenting plans do not have to be “one-size-fits-all” and it’s worth having a discussion with your coach, attorney, or mediator about options for creating a plan that addresses the issues unique to your case.
